tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post288923714140845234..comments2023-08-12T04:27:07.964-07:00Comments on Project 52(I've moved to http://bethfred.com): Wed & Writing: 8th Try (PLEASE HELP)!!!Beth Fredhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13494316048252190314noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-19128707860479807492010-12-15T16:50:37.764-08:002010-12-15T16:50:37.764-08:00I hesitate to comment here because I'm guessin...I hesitate to comment here because I'm guessing you have a newer version. I'll keep an eye out for your latest one... I do agree that the first sentence here is not powerful enough, but the query length is great and I like how you start off with the actual story.PK HREZOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11650153097981426833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-65163200719384245012010-12-15T13:57:15.642-08:002010-12-15T13:57:15.642-08:00I agree with the others. It needs to grab me more...I agree with the others. It needs to grab me more - think tagline - and explain the phantom flames. I assume it's a fire Brandi sees in the future, but you know what they say happens when you assume.Jen Albinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15334829308218078837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-21855229731494462942010-12-15T11:25:30.345-08:002010-12-15T11:25:30.345-08:00I agree with all the above comments. I think Brend...I agree with all the above comments. I think Brenda had some very good suggestions. A heads up about the publishing world. I write high fantasy that has always wanted between 130,000 and 180,000 words until this year. Now it is 80,000. <br />Nancy<br /><a href="http://nrwilliams.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">N. R. Williams, fantasy author</a>N. R. Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174506528962095858noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-79813668311233258192010-12-15T09:33:10.899-08:002010-12-15T09:33:10.899-08:00I agree with everyone's comments above. Lookin...I agree with everyone's comments above. Looking at it with a copy editing eye, you don't want to use past tense in your query and avoid "to be" verbs. <br /><br />This sentence --> "Laurent knows what he’s protecting her from. A secret he will never tell for fear of turning their love-hate relationship to pure hate." works better like this ---> "Laurent is protecting her from a secret he'll never reveal for fear of turning...)<br /><br />I don't under stand the "phantom flames" - make that clearer<br /><br />This ---> "A moment that unfolds to be watched like a play." would do better like this ---> A moment that unfolds like a play.<br /><br />Don't try to over write. Make it simple and clear. I hope this helps - I'm reworking mine too and it's definitely hard when your so close to the story. Good luck!! :DBrenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-65153422814968662992010-12-15T08:52:58.472-08:002010-12-15T08:52:58.472-08:00Hey Beth. I agree with Elena and Lee. I would add ...Hey Beth. I agree with Elena and Lee. I would add that I've heard a novel of this length is going to cause some head shaking in the agent world. I've been told that 100,000 words is too long for a first timer. Most agents want to see 60,000 to 80,000 or so,but it just depends. Good luck! I hate writing queries. I think I've revised mine...like four thousand times already. Gah!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08798243128846248604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-17091298977599023932010-12-15T08:07:23.252-08:002010-12-15T08:07:23.252-08:00Beth,
Your writing has really improved on this d...Beth, <br /><br />Your writing has really improved on this draft. It's clean and very clear. Now here's what I suggest to make it a grabber query. Start with the action and not the backstory. What's your protagonist's first major choice? What will happen if she chooses wrong? Then go into the characters and how they relate. <br /><br />Good luck, Leecleemckenziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15456109243453726483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2772850344563095242.post-72817428765579618222010-12-15T07:35:02.847-08:002010-12-15T07:35:02.847-08:00The first sentence doesn't particularly grab m...The first sentence doesn't particularly grab me because it doesn't say anything specific. I would cut it.<br /><br />The introduction of the characters is also not specific enough. You want: Name, age, what they're up to at the beginning of the novel. <br /><br />Then, the inciting incident. Tell us the secret. <br /><br />And tell us what the Phantom Fire is...<br /><br />Remember, in queries you should be specific. Give us the details.<br /><br />CHARACTER<br />INCITING INCIDENT (WHAT GETS THE PLOT MOVING)<br />ANTAGONIST<br />STAKES (WHAT THE MAIN CHARACTER STANDS TO LOSE)Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.com