Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Insanity by Query

You wanna know what happens after you've written 9 versions of a query and your CP says 9 is worse than number 8? Well, the truth is to be able to answer that ? my brain would still have to be forming coherent thoughts. It's not.

So I think it's best if I just relay the following set of events.

Briana, my mc's overachieving older sister, got so frustrated by my thoughts she wrote this.

"Dear Agent:

Your arbitrary process is grating on my creator's nerves so badly she is ready to start killing off my family members, that punk next door, and myself. This is a rather unfortunate situation but as you know I protect my family, so if I'm forced to I will resort to using the book. The problem is I don't know whether to use it on you or my creator. I trust you will remedy this.

Thank you,

Which got a rise out of Brandi and before she passed it to me to be mailed she screamed (as only a teenage girl can) "Quit calling him a punk!" Yes, that's love.

Of course, I'm not nearly crazy enough to mail something like that. (Though, if you've read this far you're probably questioning that).

But Briana's letter really did lighten my mood. And all I could do was think if Briana were in this situation what would she do. I laughed because I knew what Briana would do and that inspired query # 10. (Which, if I were being honest I would have to admit I've though more than once. However, I need an agent so this blog does not promote honesty. I've never thought this. It's merely part of my query inspired insanity and tomorrow I will remember nothing about it).

Dear Agent:

Phantom Fires is way better than Twilight. The heroine is not an overly altruistic 30 year old woman trapped in a 17 year old girl's body. The hero is not dead (though I must admit I have a thing for hot dead guys that sparkle and shine). No one is drained, or even threatened of being drained and it has fire. If you would like 15% please call me. If not, peace out. *flash to Beth pulling Armani shades over icy blue eyes as she single handedly pulls a cherry jollyrancher lollypop out of her mouth to blow you a kiss*


Disclaimer: I'm terribly sorry if I have offended any well meaning, arbitrary system using agents. In a moment of honesty, I'm sure they would understand just what queries can do to a person who already walks a fine line with sanity.


  1. Do you read Slushpile Hell? I'm sure your queries are a lot better than what's posted there.

    I love how your characters are yelling at you and each other. How do you get anything done?

    Good luck with that query. You'll nail it, I'm sure.

  2. LOL! Did you see the link I posted on YALitChat's Query Kickaround? If not, check it out... it's all the what not to dos for queries.. a really helpful list compiled by a writer after extensive research from actual agents.

    I'm gonna see if I can find your query.

  3. LOL! Love it!! I sooo feel your pain ~ query writing is almost worse than revising...almost. It's just lucky it's on a smaller scale or I'd have to call it a tie. So, is 10 the good one? If not, here's hoping for #11! :)

  4. Hahahaha. Thanks for making me smile. Love your query, btw.

  5. In the death of midnight dreams
    Silent like death at night
    The silhouette of a headless horseman
    Against the shimmering brook
    Here it comes to take ye lover
    To stab your pining heart with a thousand knives
    Here comes the Phantom Fires!!!!

  6. You made me laugh! Good luck with the query writing and landing a fantastic agent.

  7. On thing's for sure-you have a wicked sense of humor. Good luck with your query!