Thanks for all the critiques yesterday. I appreciate all your commentary. I realize it's a long story but I've cut just over 10,000 words since the first draft and there isn't anything left to cut without harming the story...I tried again.
Dear Agent:
Should she keep her secret, phantom flames would whisk her neighbor, friend, enemy, and long time love interest (whether or not she's realized it) eighteen year old Laurent Stephens (who antagonizes her) away forever. Should she confront the mysteries and try to find a cause for the mystical fire, eighteen year old Brandi O'Malley would be forced to admit her family bears an ancient curse causing her to sometimes live in a moment that hasn’t happened yet. A moment that unfolds to be watched by all like a play.
To further complicate matters, a stranger danced into Brandi's life turning Laurent's actions from cruel to protective in a heartbeat. Aware of Damian's dark side, Laurent's insistent on keeping Brandi safe. He knows what he’s protecting her from. A secret he will never reveal for fear of turning their love-hate relationship to pure hate.
Brandi knows the boys share a secret that neither are telling her. She even suspects it has something to do with the fire she watches Laurent disappear in every night. To fight fantasy flames she must uncover the truth behind the lies.
Phantom Fires is a young adult urban fantasy complete at 104,000 words. I look forward to hearing back from you and appreciate your time.
I like that the flames are in the opening this time.
ReplyDeleteThis is much clearer than that first query I read!
ReplyDeleteThis can be tightened...oh I know. It seems like it never gets there. To help I cut one of the lines in the first paragraph and will insert it here and then rewrite it for you.
ReplyDeleteBrandi O'Malley would be forced to admit her family bears an ancient curse causing her to sometimes live in a moment that hasn’t happened yet. A moment that unfolds to be watched by all like a play.
Eighteen year old Brandi O'Malley bears an ancient family curse. At times she lives in a future event. To her horror, anyone near her when it happens witnesses the event as if it were a play and she a puppet.
I hope that helps.
Nancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author
Okay, I saw your comment my blog.. And I'm going to give you some very helpful advice.. I'm speaking not only as an author but as an agent.. So here's some helpful tips.
ReplyDeleteDear Agent,
Use this first paragraph to draw the person in..From what I'm seeing above, you're saying too much.(should be about four sentences)
After your first paragraph, use a one line hook here to lead you into the conflict.
Then wrap up it up here in the third paragraph.
(four sentences)
This area should be used to clarify word count,genre, and your backround in writing. Your education, what groups you are a member of and any other publications you've had.
I think you get the just of what I'm saying..
I suggest putting Brandi's name in the first sentence. The story is about her, but the first name mentioned is Laurent's. I think it would be better to get rid of the first sentence all together.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've read that agents like to see queries in the present tense because it adds more urgency to the query.
Maybe you should write the query in the voice you use in the book. The joke query you posted yesterday was wonderful, if not great for an agent. But if you capture that same voice and use it to tell your story, I think it would really make it shine. Good luck!
Here's your opening paragraph; you've just relegated it to the fifth graf:
ReplyDeleteBrandi knows two boys in her life share a secret that neither are telling her. She even suspects it has something to do with the fire she watches Laurent disappear into every night. To fight [those] fantasy flames, she must uncover the truth behind the lies.
Lola7834 has some great advice here...
Hey, thanks for entering and stopping by my blog! Good luck with the query madness. :)
ReplyDeleteQueries are generally written in present tense. Here's my take on your query (I took some liberties so you'll probably have to fix them to make it work with your plot):
ReplyDeleteEighteen-year-old Brandi O’Malley suffers from an ancient curse, forced to live in a moment that hasn’t happened yet, a moment that everyone else can see.
As if that isn’t trouble enough, Laurent, the boy-next-door who loves to torment Brandi, suddenly turns protective when Brandi befriends the mysterious Damian.
Brandi knows the two boys are hiding something from her and suspects it has something to do with the phantom flames she watches Laurent disappear in every night. To douse those fantasy flames, she must uncover the truth behind the lies and embrace what she once thought a curse.
I think you need to have some tie-in with the curse at the end. I don't think it should be touched on in the beginning and then dropped.
That's my take. Take what you want, ignore the rest. It sounds like a really interesting story.