PLEASE CRITIQUE MY QUERY
Dear Agent:
Brandi O'Malley is just the girl next door. Well, she is once you've overlooked her uncontrollable projections. The projections force her to live in either the past or the future simultaneous with the present. She constantly lives the worst moments of her life or projects horrid possibilities. The worst part of it is these projections are vividly real and play out for anyone to see.
She has always known her family was “special” but as she tries to make sense of her new found abilities she struggles to understand the sometimes cruel actions of her former best friend and next door neighbor Laurent Stephens.
Laurent's actions turn from cruel to protective the moment Damian Cooper dances into Brandi's life.
As Brandi's projections grow stronger so do Laurent's reactions to her new found love interest, the perfect gentleman, Damian. Is it possible Damian is just a bit “too” nice? Contemplating this, she begins to realize Laurent has a dark secret, a secret connecting him to none other than Damian Cooper. The only thing he will say is that Damian is evil, but it's Laurent Brandi continuously projects disappearing in phantom flames.
Caught at a crossroads, she knows either the boy she grew up with and has known all of her life or the sensitive and charming Damian is lying to her. Join Brandi as she journeys towards the revelation of secrets and true love.
Phantom Fires, a young adult urban fantasy, is complete at 104,000 words. I believe this could be the first book of a series.
I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing back from you.
Thank you,
Beth Fred
I think you have a wonderful story here. I was intrigued instantly so that is definitely a bonus!
ReplyDeleteI do think there is some work to be done. I feel that Brandi isn't as powerful as she could be. Someone once told me that you should write the query letter as if you're the character (even if it's in first person) then go back and fix it to make it the third person format.
Though I'm intrigued by the projections I'll say that I get frustrated towards the end because there isn't much about what it means, what purpose it serves, if she has a special ability, you just use the word and you should start showing.
If you'd like me to change things let me know, I'd be more than happy to offer advice. I'm by no means a pro but a little insight couldn't hurt!
Hi
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise.
Some questions and comments, which may help you focus in the query:
Why would Laurent suddenly turn protective, when she's been an antagonist to Brandi? You need at least more of a hint.(And why has Laurent been so mean to B?)
Wouldn't it be "a secret connecting her" not "him"? Oh, wait, is Laurent a guy? Make it clear he's a guy--it sounded like a girl's name!
You may need just a nugget more about Laurent. What does Laurent need/want? And also, what does Brandi decide to do with her powers of projection?
Hope this helps.
If B has always had these so-called projections, why call them "newfound"?
One thing I noticed straight away was the number of times 'projections' and even 'projects' were used in the letter. That grated on me.
ReplyDeleteRemember that the query letter is a sales letter. Shorten the first paragraph and end with a strong clincher.
ReplyDeleteLike so,
Brandi O’Malley’s got a problem. Visions of her past and future jars her day and night, reliving the most horrific possibilities while just trying to survive in present day. Unfortunately, this is a problem she can no longer hide – one that plays out for anyone to see.
This is real rough, but you can pack a punch in fewer sentences.
Thanks so much for all of your comments. I feel I'm way off with this letter. I think I should start with the romance and kind of briefly mention the projections...I'm going to try again!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments here. Make sure your very first line hooks potential agents/editors/publishers. LM's suggestions is a pretty good start.
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't forget the query should fit on one page, so try to keep the story summary to two paragraphs and leave the third paragraph for closing and your brief bio.
i think you need to play with it a bit more, but here is a potential direction you may consider. Love the premise!! :-)
ReplyDeleteBrandi O'Malley has always known she was “special”. She constantly lives the worst moments of her life or makes horrid projections. The worst part of it is that these projections are vividly real and play out for anyone to see.
As she tries to make sense of her abilities she struggles to understand the sometimes cruel actions of her former best friend and next door neighbor, Laurent. When a new love interest enters Brandi's life she finds herself caught at a crossroads--either Laurent, the boy she grew up with all of her life, or the sensitive and charming Damian is lying to her. Even worse, Brandi continuously projects Laurent disappearing in phantom flames.
Join Brandi as she journeys towards the revelation of secrets and true love.
Beth,
ReplyDeleteI think it still needs a bit of work. I firmly believe to need to have a first paragraph stating why you are contacting that particular agent. Then you need to cut down your pitch on your manuscript. You want to entice the agent into reading your manuscript....The whole body of your email should be no more than 300 words. Do you belong to SCBWI? That should be mentioned in your closing or if you've ever worked with kids or teens.
Is there a word you can use other than projections? It really confused me. At first I thought it meant things that projected out like extra arms. Then I realized it was talking about like a movie projection. Make sure you're not saying something more than once.
Best Wishes...
For some reason your profile does not show your blog title???
Sometimes I think agents and publishers don't have a clue as to what good literature is. We writers don't help by overloading them with more manuscripts than they can possibly give justice to.
ReplyDeleteIn today's world, neither "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" nor "Moby Dick" would ever be published.
Your premise has great possibilities. It's all in the execution, though. Will any editor really give it the read it deserves? Let's hope someone will.
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Hi Beth, thanks for stopping by my blog again and your kind comment. Looks like you've had plenty of constructive feedback on your letter - best of luck with it! I hated writing mine - seemed harder than writing the book in the first place.
ReplyDelete